My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
