Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
