he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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