y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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