I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
