Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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