I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I had to cum in my sink.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
