I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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