I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
