I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
