I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
