Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
