dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
