im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
