First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
