The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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