Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
