this boner is exhausting
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
