Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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