Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We need a shit load of segways right now
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
