I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
