Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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