How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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