No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
