Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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