Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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