why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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