Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
