We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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