apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
