I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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