Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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