I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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