apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
