god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
