So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
