Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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