Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
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All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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