Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
