Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
