what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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