Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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