She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
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how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
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how do you play pong handcuffed?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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