It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
