Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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