I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
