I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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