she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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