I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
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