so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
