Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
