Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
a search helicopter?!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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