last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He keeps bees of course he's weird
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
