Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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