Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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