Walk of Shame. In a state park.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
