My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
