bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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