that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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