Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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